


Panic

by kwinke



Series: Post-Cannon and All Is Well [5]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Dissociation, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-07-11 05:20:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15965540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kwinke/pseuds/kwinke
Summary: Kravitz has a panic attack.Consider this your trigger warning.





	Panic

**Author's Note:**

> This Fic takes place chronologically between Chapters 4 and 5 of "Angus' New Friend" fic, so feel free to read that if you would like context, but this also works fine as a stand alone :)

It was another sleepless night, and Kravitz extracted himself from their bed slowly and delicately so as to not disturb his two sleeping partners.  He had taken recently to not wanting to sleep, not wanting to dream, and instead spent the nights reading in the den, trying to be as quiet as possible so as to not disturb the sleeping souls in rooms down the hall.  The first few nights that it happened, Taako and Magnus had both awoken to his empty space in the bed and crept down to the den to find him, ask him if he was alright and why he wasn’t sleeping. They asked him to come back to bed with them, and when he refused and tried to tell them he was just restless, they of course didn’t fall for his bluff.  He was forced to tell them about his dreams, about reliving the trauma of his life through Angus’ eyes and he couldn’t keep letting his mind go there.  They were sympathetic, cuddling up next to him on the couch, Magnus eventually snoring into his ear while he read. 

It happened like that the first three nights, before Kravitz started walking Magnus back to their bed delicately, reassuring him that he was okay, Reapers don’t need sleep or rest or meditation like he did, just go to sleep babe I will be okay. Magnus would eventually let sleep overcome him and would fall back asleep, now in the bed.  Taako was a bit harder to shake, because he insisted that after just a few hours of meditation he was fine and would stay up and read next to Kravitz.  Kravitz allowed this to happen another three nights, before he spoke softly to Taako about how the elf might not actually need sleep, but they all knew how much he enjoys his beauty rest and cuddling up next to the fighter.  Taako argued that he prefers to cuddle up with Magnus  _and_  Kravitz, and the reaper sighed in resignation. Taako stayed up with Kravitz another two nights after that. 

That brings us to now, and when Kravitz had extracted himself from the bed tonight, both Taako and Magnus were snoring.  He tucked a pillow up where his empty spot was, as to not alert the sleeping elf immediately, and padded his way to his spot in the den.  He was kind of appreciating the extra down time because he had been reading through some classic novels and had been able to finish quite a few this week.  He missed sleep though, he missed allowing his body and mind to rest.  He tried to fall into it every night, but every night when the room was dark and quiet, his mind would start shouting at him that he was failing Angus as a father and he didn’t deserve to have such understanding men as partners, and he would resign to getting back out of the bed once all of the breathing in the room had evened out. 

Kravitz scratched at his face as he stood in front of the bookshelf, unsure of which novel to lose himself into tonight.  He decided to close his eyes and pick one out at random, and then settled in on the couch to start another sleepless evening. It was barely midnight this time around, each night forcing him out of the bed at an earlier and earlier time, so he figured he would actually start and finish this book before anyone started waking up.  He sighed, cracking open the hardcover, letting the smell of old book waft into his nose.  It calmed him a bit.

After about thirty pages into the book, Kravitz realized he wasn’t reading, he was remembering.  He was remembering the panic, the uncomfortableness in his own skin. He was remembering the taunting by his friends, his family, the doctors his parents took him to see if they could “fix” him. There’s a lump in his throat, and he can’t pull himself from the memories, so he stands, shaking a little bit.  He walks over to the liquor cabinet – because maybe some scotch might calm his nerves, but he’s shaking as he tries to pick up the bottle so he sets it back down and takes a deep breath. 

The breath isn’t deep enough, though, and that freaks Kravitz out. It’s like his construct is rebelling against him. He wills his human construct to fall away, slipping into his Grim Reaper construct, but finds the panic still present in this form, bubbling into his throat. His mouth is watering, and it feels a lot like the pre-vomit sensation, so he tries to go to the bathroom and retch the bad feeling out.  When nothing comes out, still, and the sensation is still there, he kneels down in front of the toilet with his head in his hands and tries to regulate his breathing.  He can’t close his eyes because all he sees is his childhood home, his childhood bathroom, the toilet in his parent’s house as he leans over and tries to retch the bad feelings from him there, too.  Kravitz stands, shaking more violently than before, and starts walking back to his bedroom, praying that Taako will know what to do.  

Taako is already blinking in the darkness, shaking Magnus awake when he walks into the bedroom and stares at the bed from the doorway.  Kravitz wants to walk over to the bed and wake them up, to ask for help, but he can’t remember how words work.

“Hey, hey, Krav look at me” Taako whispers quietly, it startles Kravitz because he didn’t even see Taako get out of the bed, can’t see to find him in the darkness but knows by the volume of his voice that he must be close.  He tries to focus his eyes to find the elf’s features but he can’t see in the dark which is weird and that makes Kravitz panic  _more_  because now he can’t breathe, he can’t speak, and he can’t  _see_?   
  
“Kravitz – bed –“ He hears, and wonders why the elf isn’t talking in complete sentences. He doesn’t want to go to bed, sleep is the absolute last thing that he needs right now, so he shakes his head ‘no’ and starts backing away from the elf’s voice but there’s a wall directly behind him, which is also weird because he was almost certain he was standing in the doorway just a moment ago. When his back hits the wall, he slides down to the ground and tries to open his chest and breathe.  The rapid, deep breaths are making him lightheaded though, but he can’t close his eyes and return back to his childhood, so he stares at the space in front of him and tries to focus in the darkness. 

He feels something warm take his hands, and he flinches but there’s something pressing them against a warm, soft surface. He can feel a heartbeat, slow but loud, and he instinctively knows that he is meant to match his breathing to it. It takes him a while to figure out how to slow down, and a few times when he thinks he is doing it he realizes that he’s still not.  The ringing in his ears (when did his ears start ringing?) becomes quieter, and he moves his fingers against the surface and feels a soft patch of hair under them.   _Magnus_  his brain supplies, and he struggles to pull his conscious into reality. 

His thoughts start to echo in his head: you are safe, you are home, you are with your two loving partners and their names are Magnus and Taako, you have a son named Angus, you have a job that you love and that you are good at, you have the  _body of a man and everyone knows that and no one questions it_.  Kravitz then realizes that these thoughts are not being supplied by him, but by the elf sitting right next to Magnus, and he can finally focus his eyes on him.  The elf’s face looks pale, eyes wide, and he looks up to see the same emotion depicted on Magnus’.  He then looks beyond the two of them, and sees the darkness of a bedroom that he is sitting on the floor of, pressed up against the wall adjacent to the door. 

He tilts his head back against the wall, still a little out of breath, heart still racing a bit, but still can’t bring himself to close his eyes.   He tries to swallow again, but his throat is so dry that it  _hurts_  and he looks helplessly to Taako.   
  
“Can I – water?” he grits out, throat scratchy and voice sounding foreign.  Taako’s expression softens, and he makes a motion that has MageHand bringing a glass of water from the bedside table over to the boys so that he doesn’t have to leave Kravitz’ side.  Kravitz takes a long gulp, swishes the water around a bit in his mouth, over his tongue, through his teeth, before swallowing and sighing. 

“Kravitz, what happened?” Magnus asks, squeezing the one of his hands that is still touching his bare chest.  Kravitz closes his fist in Magnus’ palm and moves to pull his hand away, but Magnus keeps it pressed against his heart. It’s still comforting. 

Kravitz doesn’t know if he has the energy to talk about it, doesn’t even remember a good portion of the details leading up to how he got into the bedroom if he’s honest, so he shakes his head and feels his breathing start to pick up again. 

“Hey, hey, you’re okay, you’re safe, we love you” Magnus reassures, and Kravitz locks his eyes on the fighters as he struggles to maintain his smooth breathing, not wanting to fall into – what even was that a moment ago?

He continues to look around the room, taking in his surroundings, and when he gets to the doorway he notices a small Angus standing there, watching the whole interaction, a terrified expression on his face. Kravitz’ breath catches and there’s a sinking feeling in his stomach.

Taako notices the change in comfort level, and looks back to notice Angus as well. He motions for the boy to come into the room, and Angus comes over to sit by Taako hesitantly.  They’re all quiet for a moment while Kravitz tries to relax, not knowing how much Angus saw of his little freak-out, feeling awful that he even saw any of it.

“Sir, sometimes I have panic attacks, too. You don’t have to feel bad about it” he whispers quietly, barely under his breath, and Taako reaches over to rub Angus on his back.  The reality sets over the four of them that they are all broken people, all of them dealing with monsters that are hard to name let along talk about, but they’re a family and they’re together.  Kravitz sets his water down and reaches out to Angus, who holds his hand delicately in his own, and the reaper looks at their interlaced hands and realizes he’s still in his skeletal form.

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” he mutters, willing his flesh to reconstruct, and Angus visibly relaxes.  Taako chuckles and leans into Angus’ body, and Magnus also readjusts to a more comfortable position. 

The three of them set like that for a while in the dark, taking in the comfort of each other, of family, thinking about their own demons that don’t have names yet but maybe one day might.


End file.
